um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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