Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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