Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
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drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
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She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes