have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.