My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
