# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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