Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
