Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
