he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
