So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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