sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so let's talk penis.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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