Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
