I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
