The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
