What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize