Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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