2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Kiss
Puke
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
