So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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