Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
