Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
