She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
