You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
