I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
