So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
