The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
