So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
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My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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