I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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