So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
