Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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