I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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