You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
