He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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