but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
