Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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