I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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