Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize