just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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