His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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