I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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