My first STD was from a foam party
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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