to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
