There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
two words...techno handjob
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
