i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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