I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
