Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
