we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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