I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
