I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
