I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
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this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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