honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
