My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
