I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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