I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
