Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
