I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it's like iHOP with fire
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
