i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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