i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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