Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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