Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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