just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
