So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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